throughout my journey of growth over the past couple years, i have endured a lot of trials and tribulations. some days, i would experience so many emotions its a wonder they didn't radiate off of my skin. i'd go from content to sad to okay to happy to joyous to irate to depressed to tunnel vision furious back to content again in a matter of 3 minutes and 27 seconds sometimes. i had to do it alone, too, did i mention that yet? a lot of the people that care about me wanted me to just be happy. "that part of your life is over!", "thank god you got away from that!", and "i don't understand why you are so sad, he treated you so badly...you should be happy you're out of that," and "that's all you talk about to me, don't you have anything to talk about?" but what everyone failed to realize was that he and my marriage to him were all i knew as an adult, and most of my adolescence. i was with him for 10 years. that's a lot to walk away from and be fine with leaving behind. a part of my life had ended, i needed support and love; but honestly, i never really got that. so, essentially, i had to go through all of this alone, no guidance, no outlets, nothing. i wasn't really fine with it, quite frankly...but looking back, i am EXTREMELY thankful that i didn't have many people to count on; i learned out to sweep up the pieces, glue them back together, and keep them in place on my own. i learned how to hold myself accountable. i learned that i am truly the only person i can really trust. i learned that i really am my own worst enemy. i learned that being alone is OK. i learned that in order to appreciate and value someone else's company, you must first enjoy your own. sure, sometimes i wish i had someone around just to talk to, but i am never, EVER lonely. i thoroughly enjoy my own company. i like to read, research, crochet, draw, doodle, listen to music, and just THINK when i have time to myself. actually, sometimes i purposely isolate myself from people so that i can revisit all of those things, to remind myself to appreciate ME.
KNOW THE DIFFERENCE, PEOPLE. being alone does not have to = being lonely. get to know yourselves, you will find that you can also be your very best friend.
Learning those things are so hard sometimes. Loosing Doug and my unbelievably amazing relationship has torn my heart and soul in a million different directions. I am completely knocked over by waves of the emotional ocean all to often. As a result it has ruined friendships becuase I am almost always feeling invallidated. Ofcourse his feelings aren't the same as mine...I still feel like I should have atleast been given his time of day especially since in the same sentence he talks so highly of our relationship and the memories we have, as well how hurt he is for hurting me.....I will never understand. I love that man, I don't take that lightly and so learning to stand on my own two feet after feeling so completely full with him as my partner is so so so hard and believe me I am desperate to say I did it....take that you crazy selfish typical dog of a MAN! I am not lonely I just want my man back because we enjoyed so much of each other alone and together! UGH!!!!!
ReplyDeletePS: Love , Ashley.
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