a new season

a few things happened in the very few hours that i've been alert and awake this morning: 1.) i decided i wanted to start blogging again; 2.) i thought about how trying that would be because i can barely remember to take my vitamins every morning; 3.) i told myself to shut the fuck up because i can do whatever i want; 4.) i discovered that although decaf coffee doesn't taste any different than regular to me, it doesn't wake me up as efficiently, if at all; 5.) i had some pretty tasty egg/cheese/hashbrown casserole but realized what kind of predicament i would be in around 9:30 am; and 6.) decided to start being a better me.

over the past (almost) three years i've done a lot of changing, searching, finding...but i've also stayed the same in that i cannot, for the life of me, shake bad feelings about myself.  more often than not i think about all of the negative in my life (which is not a lot, might i add) and i beat myself up about where i'm not at my age, as opposed to where i'm going - because thats all that really maters.  who likes a negative nancy?!?  not even me, which explains why i'm putting myself through hell about it all.  its literally a vicious cycle.  i think about how shitty things are when things don't go my way, then i realize that things are amazing and i need to man up, and then i start beating myself up about even thinking things were shitty in the first place.  well folks.  that stops now.  or at least i am going to start stopping...does that make sense?!

did mention that i read a blog this morning, as well?  it's the very thing that inspired me to come out of my blog drought and give you as much of my disorganized thoughts as possible.  my dear friend courtney texted (okay my computer is telling me that "texted" is not a word, but i think it is, because it is the past tense form of the verb "text" and i just went on way too long for something that didn't even need to be mentioned) me a link to a blog about a bear head yesterday.  it was.  AMAZING.  i laughed and smiled inside and out because it reminded me of myself when i'm at my best.  when i don't care what people think.  so i kept reading.  the last post i read is what inspired me the most.  there's just something about reading someone else's struggles (that really sounds depressing, but its not at all) that inspires me.  so instead of harping on what i've done wrong up to this point in my life, i'm going start looking at everything as a great experience.  after all, each one of those fuck-ups has brought me to where i am now and has made me who i am now.  as she put it - i'm going to start "celebrating my small victories and scratch out all the things that make me unable to see them without shame".  you should try it too...every day.  make a list of all the things you've done in a day, focus on the good, and scratch out the bad.

until next time....<3