toFUUUUUUUU

since i've decided to take the "go veg" plunge, i've mostly been sticking to….i guess you could say its processed….vegetarian foods.  e.g. light life products, tofurky, morning star, quorn, and gardein.  HOW-WEH-WUR, yesterday i ventured out to newport news (i usually stay away from that side of the water) and went to trader joe's.  1.) that place is amazing.  2.) i bought dark chocolate covered edamame….SON.  anyway, i got a couple things of organic baked tofu.  savory and teriyaki flavored to be exact.  and tonight was the first time i ever cooked using tofu O.O  it was interesting, but really neat at the same time.  i'd never eaten tofu, like…just eating tofu as my main meat portion of my meal.  it was delicious!  the boyfriend has been helping me with this transition, and as soon as i'm ready, he's going to be giving me more recipes for tofu :D i can't wait!

it's crazy how far i've come with this lifestyle change.  a couple years ago, i probably would have gagged at the thought of eating just plain tofu.  i've always liked veggie burgers and things like that, but tofu?  dude, i would have throat judo-chopped anyone that suggested tofu instead of steak, k?!  but knowing what soy does to my body PHYSIOLOGICALLY, i WANT to eat it.  and i've seen the change!  i feel it, see it, and love it.

to give you a little background, i have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome), which means that 1.) i don't ovulate regularly; 2.) i have more androgens than estrogen (which causes the irregular ovulation); 3.) it has deemed me insulin resistant (my addiction to chocolate and bread does not help me there); 4.) the insulin resistance alone causes a weight gain around my midsection, which explains the thinner limbs -_- and 5.) the extra androgens cause me to have more hair in places that a woman shouldn't have dark hair (my neck, arms, stomach, lower back….yeah, paints a pretty picture, huh?)  it's whatever, i don't' care anymore.  anyway, well soy has phytoestrogens in it, which attach to estrogen receptors and acts as a hormone treatment replacement for women who are menopausal, and for women that have issues such as i do.

because i've transitioned to vegetarian, i've been consuming a lot of soy.  well this month was my first exactly 30 day cycle!  i don't care who you are, thats freaking fabulous.  my PMS symptoms were even way better than they usually are.  normally, the first sign of PMS for me is "I WANT CHOCOLATE AND CHEESE!!!!!"  so terrible, but that's how it be.  this time, i just……started……and i was so surprised, but i also knew that it was because of my recent increase of soy intake.  its really awesome to know that what you're doing is going to cause a change….but to actually see it happen, and FEEL IT happen, is a completely different experience.  i feel so awesome about it, and its weird but i can't really share it with certain people bc its about…dun dun dun…FLO.  but whatever, its natural, all women go through it.

anywho, thats my gross story for the week.  time to hit the sack so i can wake up and slave for the man tomorrow.  SIGH.  go veg!

lonely vs. being alone

throughout my journey of growth over the past couple years, i have endured a lot of trials and tribulations.  some days, i would experience so many emotions its a wonder they didn't radiate off of my skin.  i'd go from content to sad to okay to happy to joyous to irate to depressed to tunnel vision furious back to content again in a matter of 3 minutes and 27 seconds sometimes.  i had to do it alone, too, did i mention that yet?  a lot of the people that care about me wanted me to just be happy.  "that part of your life is over!", "thank god you got away from that!", and "i don't understand why you are so sad, he treated you so badly...you should be happy you're out of that," and "that's all you talk about to me, don't you have anything to talk about?"  but what everyone failed to realize was that he and my marriage to him were all i knew as an adult, and most of my adolescence.  i was with him for 10 years.  that's a lot to walk away from and be fine with leaving behind.  a part of my life had ended, i needed support and love; but honestly, i never really got that.  so, essentially, i had to go through all of this alone, no guidance, no outlets, nothing.  i wasn't really fine with it, quite frankly...but looking back, i am EXTREMELY thankful that i didn't have many people to count on; i learned out to sweep up the pieces, glue them back together, and keep them in place on my own.  i learned how to hold myself accountable.  i learned that i am truly the only person i can really trust.  i learned that i really am my own worst enemy.  i learned that being alone is OK.  i learned that in order to appreciate and value someone else's company, you must first enjoy your own.  sure, sometimes i wish i had someone around just to talk to, but i am never, EVER lonely.  i thoroughly enjoy my own company.  i like to read, research, crochet, draw, doodle, listen to music, and just THINK when i have time to myself.  actually, sometimes i purposely isolate myself from people so that i can revisit all of those things, to remind myself to appreciate ME.

KNOW THE DIFFERENCE, PEOPLE.  being alone does not have to = being lonely.  get to know yourselves, you will find that you can also be your very best friend.

rebellious ways

I was having a conversation with a friend last night about why people stay in their current lifestyle situations. I was telling her how, after much research, I've decided to transition to vegetarian and eventually vegan. I definitely haven't always felt that way.

She was saying that, as a big girl (and always being bigger), she was always told she was fat. By her father, by her grandmother, by random cruel people in the mall or walking down the street. After growing comfortable in her own skin (which, I don't believe to be true, and I'll tell you why later), when anyone says "YOU SHOULDN'T EAT THIS!" or "YOU'RE GOING TO GET FAT IF YOU EAT THAT," it's an act of rebellion to eat whatever the hell you want to eat. I won't lie, I've been there, done that. I also know that after I'm done "eating whatever the hell I want," I feel like straight dog shit.

So instead of staying stagnant, I decided to do things that would make me feel better and healthier; in turn, those things will make me lose weight. Maybe not in a short period of time, but by creating better habits, I will be leaner in the long run. Instead of stopping at Dunkin Donuts for a coffee and a donut I've switched to oatmeal and an apple, paired with my own coffee and cream from home. Instead of a Whopper meal and a Coke at lunch, I've switched to salads and soup and sandwiches with vegetarian lunch meat, and TONS of water. I actually haven't had a soda in about a month now - that alone has changed a lot about the way I feel. To be honest, I'm afraid to drink soda anymore, lol.

Anywho, now on to why we never really feel completely comfortable in our own skin. We can say we love ourselves all day long, that we don't care what other people think about us, blah blah BLAH. But there is always something we want to change, and we DO care about what people think.  Why else do we conform to the new fashion styles?  I mean seriously, why in the HELL would anyone in their RIGHT mind wear those Marant moon shoe looking things?!?!  Anyway, it could be your hair, your nails, dry skin, arms, legs, flat ass, STOMACH. My mother is a size 2 and probably weighs 110 pounds soaking wet, and she has told me she hates it. Even thin people can feel self conscious. In a society where "Thin Is Beautiful", it's difficult as a chubbster to really be comfortable. We have TV telling us how we should look, magazines, newspapers, even the music industry. But nobody is telling anyone (in the media) how to just FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF. Instead of telling "bitches" to be a 36-24-36, how about tell women that they are all beautiful. Hell, it doesn't even have to just be aimed at women; but we are emotional creatures, it's a little harder for us to handle scrutiny.

So create better habits. You don't have to tackle everything at once. Start small and work your way up. I started by cutting out soda, and it was the best thing I've ever done.  Break out of the rebellion habit, it really isn't hurting anyone but YOU.

girl scout boxes of thunder thighs

so, as you all know, it's girl scout cookie season.  you may or may not have a slew of coworkers with teeny tiny girl scouts prancing around with order forms.  "want some girl scout cookies?!?!  :D :D :D"  when i hear that......SON.......all i can think about is the sweet, gooey caramel covered in coconut flakes, toasted to perfection; then gently drizzeled with the nectar of the gods - chocolate.  *deep sigh*  so i order.....oh you know.....SEVEN EFFING BOXES.  yeah thats, right, SEVEN boxes of girl scout cookies (not all samoas, although they ARE my fave).  mind you, this was at the BE-GINNNN-NING of january......at that point in time i was fighting the urge to join the "new years resolutioners" at the gym just on principle.  so, at this point, i'm feeling good about my contribution to the little people and the sugar induced coma that i was bound to emerge into.

HOWEVER....i can't have them anymore.  i need to get rid of these devil boxes.  they need to GO.  ASAPINGTON.  i'd say i have developed some pretty strong self discipline, but i still falter.  but who can resist a Savannah Smile or a Thank You Berry Munch??  Or even better, a SAMOA?!?

being that i've decided to transition to vegetarian, i'm not really sure what i can and can't eat anymore.  although my diet hasn't been super strict, i don't really want to mess this up.  i'll save the "this is why i decided to become a vegetarian" blog for later, bc i'm going into allllllllllll of the reasons.

any who, if anyone wants a box or seven, please let me know.  this is killing me, i want a cookie so bad lol.

sincerely,

steadily gaining 2 pounds an hour

instant gratification

the biggest obstacle people need to overcome is that they expect instant results. not only in weight-loss, but everything.  i mean, that is the American standard, isn't it?  instant gratification?  hmmm.  it actually is nice to get instant gratification, but it spoils us.  you don't want to cook?  go to mcdonald's (or panera, i actually like panera way better haha).  we want only one cup of coffee?  buy a keurig.  want to see your best friend in cali?  facetime (unless you have a droid in, which case BYE).  people don't even buy books as much anymore, now that we have the iPad, Kindle, and Nook.  patience is no longer a virtue; trust, i am just as guilty as the next person.  but i don't want to be that way.  i don't mind sitting in traffic, unless i have zero gas.  i love getting film developed from my manual SLR.  shit, i've even decided i don't want to know the sex of my baby until delivery when (and if ) i ever have children.

with that said, i've started paying attention to my response to my healthier lifestyle.  i started noticing that i wake up every morning, lift up my shirt, and see if i've gotten skinnier   -_-   but on a more serious note, i've noticed that i don't feel like a bag of flaming shit every morning when i wake up.  i've noticed that i'm all around happier.  i've really had to take a step back and take a look at things from all angles.

i've also taken on the mantra "accept what is".  think about it…if, in every situation you encounter, you just thought to yourself "accept what is, it is neither good nor bad," you would start to see things for WHAT THEY TRULY ARE.  someone is rude to you in the tampon aisle?  "accept what is, their rudeness doesn't affect me, they will have to live with that."  your boss shits on you (figuratively, of course) at work?  "accept what is, they will have to live with the karma that will come around and kick them in the ass,  not me."  it's really interesting what you'll see if you start to practice accepting things for what they are.  you'll noticing your mood will stay at a pretty steady level of AWESOME.  your tolerance for stupidity will heighten.  and your patience will grow.

the beginning of something that i most likely won't finish because of who i am as a person

let me start this thing off by saying i am in no way a gym rat, a fitness freak, or a health freak (yet).  most of the information i can provide you is from personal experience, and if it doesn't help you in your goals, i hope that i can at least make you laugh.

about 2 and a half years ago, i left my ex-husband (i won't go into detail until waaaaay down the road, as to save you from boredom and/or pity).  the moment he spoke those unforgettable words, my entire being went into both an overdrive of some sort, and a stagnant state (AT THE SAME.  DAMN.  TIME.).  the amount of crazy that was bouncing back and forth between my brain and heart was just....astronomical; but at the same time, i did not want to do ANYTHING.  i had no desire to do anything but sit on my bed, bawl my freaking eyes out, and say "Why meeeeeeeeeee???!?!" out loud every so often.  i actually went 8 days without eating.  yeah, tell me about it.  and don't you dare judge me, my nerves were so shot i'm surprised i didn't go completely crazy.  but that was the beginning of my weight-loss journey.

as terrible as it sounds, it was the very thing that motivated me to make better decisions with what i put in my body.  now, don't get me wrong, i have eaten the fattiest foods ever (well, not ever, i still haven't had a Luther Burger), but i don't indulge as much anymore.  actually, i still have my days, but they are so few and far between now that i can call them cheat days. 

during that first 8 days, i dropped 25 pounds.  crazy huh?  of course, most of it was water weight, but i liked the results that i saw.  instant gratification.  so i joined a gym.  One Life.  SN - WHY do gyms charge such outrageous start up fees?  ugh!  anyway.  i started being a little more conscious of what i put in my mouth.  within the first 8  months, i had probably dropped, oooooooooooh, about 30 pounds?  sounds about right. it was GLORIOUS.  i was able to wear things i hadn't worn in years.  i was getting so much attention (which was not a good thing, i'll explain why in a sec).  but i still didn't love myself.  i had been beat down so much (verbally, emotionally, and mentally), that i literally hated myself.  i wasn't losing fast enough.  my clothes were fitting weird.  i was in between sizes.  the list goes on and on.  i sought acceptance from others to try to build self confidence..so that i could accept myself (told ya).  terrible.  that's probably one of the worst things i (or anyone else, for that matter) could have ever done.

anyway, time went on, i dealt with all of my SHIT...i grew (mentally, spiritually).  my mind has opened up to so many different things, i am just...astounded by my progress.  i hope you enjoy my journey from here on out :)  be ready though, this ride is bound to be a little blustery :)