a new season

a few things happened in the very few hours that i've been alert and awake this morning: 1.) i decided i wanted to start blogging again; 2.) i thought about how trying that would be because i can barely remember to take my vitamins every morning; 3.) i told myself to shut the fuck up because i can do whatever i want; 4.) i discovered that although decaf coffee doesn't taste any different than regular to me, it doesn't wake me up as efficiently, if at all; 5.) i had some pretty tasty egg/cheese/hashbrown casserole but realized what kind of predicament i would be in around 9:30 am; and 6.) decided to start being a better me.

over the past (almost) three years i've done a lot of changing, searching, finding...but i've also stayed the same in that i cannot, for the life of me, shake bad feelings about myself.  more often than not i think about all of the negative in my life (which is not a lot, might i add) and i beat myself up about where i'm not at my age, as opposed to where i'm going - because thats all that really maters.  who likes a negative nancy?!?  not even me, which explains why i'm putting myself through hell about it all.  its literally a vicious cycle.  i think about how shitty things are when things don't go my way, then i realize that things are amazing and i need to man up, and then i start beating myself up about even thinking things were shitty in the first place.  well folks.  that stops now.  or at least i am going to start stopping...does that make sense?!

did mention that i read a blog this morning, as well?  it's the very thing that inspired me to come out of my blog drought and give you as much of my disorganized thoughts as possible.  my dear friend courtney texted (okay my computer is telling me that "texted" is not a word, but i think it is, because it is the past tense form of the verb "text" and i just went on way too long for something that didn't even need to be mentioned) me a link to a blog about a bear head yesterday.  it was.  AMAZING.  i laughed and smiled inside and out because it reminded me of myself when i'm at my best.  when i don't care what people think.  so i kept reading.  the last post i read is what inspired me the most.  there's just something about reading someone else's struggles (that really sounds depressing, but its not at all) that inspires me.  so instead of harping on what i've done wrong up to this point in my life, i'm going start looking at everything as a great experience.  after all, each one of those fuck-ups has brought me to where i am now and has made me who i am now.  as she put it - i'm going to start "celebrating my small victories and scratch out all the things that make me unable to see them without shame".  you should try it too...every day.  make a list of all the things you've done in a day, focus on the good, and scratch out the bad.

until next time....<3

falling off

when i say i "fell off", i don't mean in the worst way possible, so please don't sit back and think i've just gone back to eating meat and eating bon bons and cake and ice cream every day.  i still eat relatively healthy...i HAVE, however, indulged in a little more chocolate lately. WHATEVER IT'S MY TIME OF THE MONTH DON'T GIVE ME SHIT!  i have to live with the consequences, not you.  and believe me, its definitely weighing on me mentally.  i've been doing so well and i'm so disappointed in myself for being so below par with my diet and exercise habits these past 3 weeks.  i actually haven't gained any weight, which is a blessing...but i haven't lost any either, which is....well its not really a curse.  i guess its just mehhh.  i've got to step it up though.  so here is what i suggest when you fall off of your routine:

Water

drink tons and tons of water.  i started drinking those 101.4 oz bottles of Deer Park last week.  its so awesome, but it's also a little intimidating.  i've found, though, that i start kind of racing against my mind in drinking it.  the more water that disappears from the bottle, the more excited i get, and in turn i drink more and more until its all gone.  awesome.

Eat Tasty Healthy Food

if you have a Trader Joe's around you, take a trip one day and explore all they have to offer.  i found some Crispy Jeju Mandarin Orange Slices the other day....WHEW CHILD!!!  delicious!  and THEE WHOLE BAG is only 110 calories (SAY WHAT?!).  start putting more seasoning into the plain and mundane.  you'd be surprised at just how delicious something so boring can be.  for example, i've have grits every morning this week, but each day they've been seasoned differently.  monday, my boyfriend put scrambled tofu, green and red peppers, and carrots in them.  yesterday (tues.) he put imitation chicken bouillon (vegan) and  daiya vegan jack cheese.  and today he put garlic and basil in them.  to be honest i never thought about doing that...i usually eat my grits with earth balance and little bit of salt.  crazy that something i'm so used to being so boring can be so awesome!  

i also have been using bulgur wheat to sub for my tofu sometimes - i've been using it in my nacho salads lately, which is ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS!

step outside of your food comfort zone for once, i promise its worth it.

Surround Yourself with Positive People

i think we all know that when we surround ourselves with negative people we tend to be more negative.  i know that's a fact for me.  i lay on the couch, watch tv a lot more (i barely watch tv, i hate it actually, but that's a-whole-nother story), I EAT TERRIBLE.  it's like no matter what you do, when you are around someone that is unhappy or negative or just lazy, it rubs off on you.  get around happy people!  active people!  positive people!  you will be so motivated to do better when you are around people that are actively BEING BETTER.

Stick Yourself in Nature

i've found that when i'm in an exercise rut that nature kind of helps puts me back into my place.  take a long walk, feed the ducks, garden, pick flowers, or even JUST BREATHE IN SOME FRESH AIR.  being connected with nature is just so uplifting, it always motivates me to do and be better (because really, i KNOW better).

Purge

and no, i don't mean by PUKING, you freakazoid.  go through your home and chuck things that you just don't use anymore.  got a ton of clothes in your closet that you haven't worn in about a year?  GOODWILL!  i recently went through my closet and bagged up some clothes to take the to the goodwill, and it just feels so nice to get rid of things.  i'm so used to recycling my clothes year after year and just accessorizing with jewelry or jackets and cardigans...but when i cleaned out my closet and got rid of things that i don't use anymore i just felt so invigorated.

there are so many more things you can do, but you have to know yourself :)  you've got to know what strikes that spark in you.  GET TO IT!

growth

i'm currently in a Greek Mythology class, and i've been learning about heroes.  according to Joseph Campbell, the journey of hero includes removing him/herself from their comfort zone, encountering challenges/triumphs, and returning home wiser/stronger.

i don't know about anyone else, but i do that myself.  its a huge part of growth, in my opinion.  and it all ties into enjoying your own company, or at least learning to.  there are times when i just feel like i need to get away from everything and everyone and just be alone to ponder, explore, learn, grow, and mature.  and when i come back around i'm wiser, stronger, happier, and in a better state of mind.  its healthy, normal. 

but here is my question - why does everyone expect us to let them know when this is happening?  it's a very personal thing that happens when you grow mentally/spiritually.  not only are you building a better relationship with yourself, you are becoming more connected with LIFE; with God (or whatever higher being you believe in), nature, your surroundings.  i personally don't feel like i need to send a mass text to everyone that says "HEY GUYS, JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I'M GOING TO BE QUIET FOR HOWEVER LONG BECAUSE I HAVE SOME PERSONAL GROWTH TO DO."  it's really nobody's business, and we don't have to explain ourselves to anyone.

with all of that said, try to take a look at the people in your life in a different light.  everyone has their own issues to work out and get through.  stop asking questions, let them come to you if they want.  and by continuing to pry, you are pushing that person away from you.  SOMETIMES YOU JUST AREN'T NEEDED.

have a great day.  

this is a list of things that i like.

my boyfriend
hugs
love
kisses
back rubs
laughing
the smell of gain - except for that apple mango scent
coffee
hazelnut ANYTHING
green peppers
broccoli
cauliflower
yams
tazo passion tea - unsweetened always and forever
my redskins tervis cup
baron clay d'artagnan julius ravenclaw smith
ERMAHGERD
instagram
my camera - sebastian
my iphone
drawing
writing - when i feel like it
red solo cups
bright colors
pens
the girl brown bag from the dollar store with all of those awesome toys in it
paris
nags head
the beach - any beach
the stars
the moon
love
genuine people
jokes
pink highlighters
snow
the smell of fall
organizing
binders - but not the mitt romney kind
MYSELF
being on time - but that rarely happens
Christmas time - everyone is always so much nicer
yankee candles
clean sheets
freshly shaved legs
a good nail polish
frank sinatra
tattoos
MY BED
dolce & gabbana light blue - my scent
victoria's secret
gap jeans
toms
vans
post-it notes
my friends
sunrises
sunsets
my momma
documentaries
cooking
baking
running - just started with this, going alright for right now
food
losing weight
MOVING AT MY OWN PACE
the truth - EVEN IF IT SUCKS
the movie "Love Actually"
cooking with my family
my Maga
driving with no real destination
anything Apple
typing on a brand new keyboard - the keys sound so awesome
speaking in a british accent
germany
being good at my job
proving people wrong

trainer mike....not too shabby

so, after talking with a few friends, i decided to go to Trainer Mike to further my flabbiness reduction process.  i made the call (well, text...who calls anymore, right?  lol), and i'll tell you what, i was so afraid he was going to be a jerkoff.  i was scared he was going to run my ass into the ground, push me harder than i could handle, make me do exercises i hadn't ever heard of......to my surprise, it was all the opposite.  i walked into his gym, and he was working with a few other people, so he greeted me and told me to hold on while he finished up with them.  i thought that was nice, he didn't want to take his attention away from the people he was working with.  after he finished up, he had me sign a waiver (basically saying that if i get hurt under his supervision that i couldn't call the Mob and get them to come hurt him...or sue him lol).  i had told him earlier this week that i kind of wanted to work out alone - i get so nervous around people like that...i think its because i feel more vulnerable in my yoga pants and sports bra - so he made sure everyone else was out before we started (although, he did do this very subtly).  and he worked out with me the whole time.  made sure i understood what muscles were being worked, how the exercise would help my body, and he made sure i was doing the exercises correctly.  he danced around while i was taking my breathers, talked to me...just made me feel really comfortable.  it motivated me to push myself harder.  like, to the max.  and i didn't feel weird or awkward, and that made me want to work harder too.  it was just all around a great experience.

I'M BOUT TO BE CUTTTT UP!

accept what is :)

i just want to emphasize that normal people don't go around destroying other human beings. with that said, if someone is treating you like a bag of flaming dog shit, try your damnedest to not let it get to you.  don't take it personal.  it's not you, it's them.  this may sound crazy, but accept what is.  accept that they will be tortured by karma one day for all of this, not you.  accept that they have the issue, and you are just the receiver, that's IT.  and if you're lucky enough, the universe will bless you with being able to witness karma coming back and biting them in the ass.

when you start to tell yourself "accept what is", you'll start to notice you're more peaceful.  don't get me wrong, it's very difficult and it takes practice and patience, but start by doing it with every situation - work, traffic, when your kids defy you, when your roommate uses your deodorant (??? lol idk lemme alone), when your mom asks when you're going to give her grandbabies, when you get bad news, when you stub your toe, when your hair just won't work for you...ACCEPT WHAT IS.  i promise you will be happier, calmer, and more peaceful.

have a good monday, and accept what is :)

toFUUUUUUUU

since i've decided to take the "go veg" plunge, i've mostly been sticking to….i guess you could say its processed….vegetarian foods.  e.g. light life products, tofurky, morning star, quorn, and gardein.  HOW-WEH-WUR, yesterday i ventured out to newport news (i usually stay away from that side of the water) and went to trader joe's.  1.) that place is amazing.  2.) i bought dark chocolate covered edamame….SON.  anyway, i got a couple things of organic baked tofu.  savory and teriyaki flavored to be exact.  and tonight was the first time i ever cooked using tofu O.O  it was interesting, but really neat at the same time.  i'd never eaten tofu, like…just eating tofu as my main meat portion of my meal.  it was delicious!  the boyfriend has been helping me with this transition, and as soon as i'm ready, he's going to be giving me more recipes for tofu :D i can't wait!

it's crazy how far i've come with this lifestyle change.  a couple years ago, i probably would have gagged at the thought of eating just plain tofu.  i've always liked veggie burgers and things like that, but tofu?  dude, i would have throat judo-chopped anyone that suggested tofu instead of steak, k?!  but knowing what soy does to my body PHYSIOLOGICALLY, i WANT to eat it.  and i've seen the change!  i feel it, see it, and love it.

to give you a little background, i have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome), which means that 1.) i don't ovulate regularly; 2.) i have more androgens than estrogen (which causes the irregular ovulation); 3.) it has deemed me insulin resistant (my addiction to chocolate and bread does not help me there); 4.) the insulin resistance alone causes a weight gain around my midsection, which explains the thinner limbs -_- and 5.) the extra androgens cause me to have more hair in places that a woman shouldn't have dark hair (my neck, arms, stomach, lower back….yeah, paints a pretty picture, huh?)  it's whatever, i don't' care anymore.  anyway, well soy has phytoestrogens in it, which attach to estrogen receptors and acts as a hormone treatment replacement for women who are menopausal, and for women that have issues such as i do.

because i've transitioned to vegetarian, i've been consuming a lot of soy.  well this month was my first exactly 30 day cycle!  i don't care who you are, thats freaking fabulous.  my PMS symptoms were even way better than they usually are.  normally, the first sign of PMS for me is "I WANT CHOCOLATE AND CHEESE!!!!!"  so terrible, but that's how it be.  this time, i just……started……and i was so surprised, but i also knew that it was because of my recent increase of soy intake.  its really awesome to know that what you're doing is going to cause a change….but to actually see it happen, and FEEL IT happen, is a completely different experience.  i feel so awesome about it, and its weird but i can't really share it with certain people bc its about…dun dun dun…FLO.  but whatever, its natural, all women go through it.

anywho, thats my gross story for the week.  time to hit the sack so i can wake up and slave for the man tomorrow.  SIGH.  go veg!