Maga

today, i am overwhelmed by the image of my grandmother laying lifeless in the hospital bed they installed in her home 3 days before her passing.  it's so surreal.  i can't think of a time i had ever been so sad, felt like i had no control, been so scared, or felt so helpless in my life.

she passed on her birthday, November 4, 2013.  i had originally planned the day off to spend with her and my cousin; hoping to bake her a cake and cook dinner for her.  instead, i had to leave work early the friday prior to get to her quick because she had taken a turn for the worse. 

when i arrived, she sat slumped over on the couch in pain, but she managed to say "hey baby girl!" when i walked in.  i said "hey maga," when i walked in, but i was on a mission - i had to go buy sheets for the hospital bed that was being delivered in a few short hours, i had to go grocery shopping, i had to speak with hospice, i had to prepare myself mentally for what was to come that entire weekend.  when the nurse arrived, she spoke to my aunt and i about medications, comfort kits, how to keep maga comfortable, portable commodes, diapers, bed pads, bed sores, water-based lotions for her face, oxygen levels, nebulizer treatments...and finally "if she passes this weekend" suggestions - funeral homes, don't call the police or the fire department, DNR, "if she passes this weekend," "if she passes this weekend," "if she passes this weekend."  do you have any idea how badly i wanted to tell this woman to shut up?!?!?!  there was no way, she had broken her clavicle, THAT was causing the pain...NOT the cancer.  this was not happening this weekend.  finally, after all of her "what if's," i asked how POSSIBLE AND PROBABLE it was that she would pass.  "It's possible, but not probable."  at that moment, the difference between possible and probable did not matter, "possible" and all of it's innuendos flooded my brain and i went into mental overdrive.  "If anyone wants to see her, they need to come now."  alright then, we'll just fill the house with a few hundred people so they can say their last goodbyes...um no.  hospital bed arrived, portable commode arrived, and we got maga into the bed.

stephanie (little cousin) arrived and i probably should have prepared her for what she was walking into, but i really hadn't thought about that.  go me, right.  i had been taking pictures of maga every time we went to visit, because i wanted to see the progression...i mean, 6 months is a decent (well, not even close to decent, but i had accepted 6 months) amount of time and i wanted to record everything i could...but i did not show stephanie how bad it had gotten.  when she walked in those doors i had to sit down and numb myself up, because i knew within about 2 minutes she was going to come back out of that front door bawling her eyes out.  and she did.  i think that was the time i was meant to be most strong?  maybe, i don't know.  so we sat outside for a while, her crying and me staring into the street, holding her hand and quietly sending prayers out into the void, hoping some force would oblige.

after visits, cooking, trying to keep maga hydrated and fed, moving her from bed to commode and back to bed several times, holding her hand, changing her clothes, and more visits, Carter came to visit.  as soon as he walked in she lit up like the Northern Lights.  the maga i have always known.  she couldn't really muster up the strength to move, but she spoke to Carter, told us to get him a drink, some food...always hospitable, my sweet Maga.  soon the hospice nurse would arrive to insert the catheter (every time we moved her from bed to commode to bed we hurt her...this was the next step), but she wasn't really aware of much else other than Carter was sitting at the foot of her bed. nurse arrives, Carter departs, catheter is in, Maga is in pain. but ALAS! she whispered to steph that she was hungry. she hadn't eaten in days! when i heard that, i threw on my shoes (don't mind that i had basically been wearing the same clothes all weekend), asked Maga if she wanted shrimp salad (her fav) and she said so normally, "that sounds wonderful! i'd like that." i was in that car in 2 seconds flat and back in about 15 minutes. however, when i got back, she had fallen asleep. i figured she was worn out by the catheter insertion - any kind of movement exhausted her - so i held her hand, kissed her forehead, and put the salad in the fridge.

hours passed, she still hadn't woken up. i was starting to get worried, but kept telling myself "she's just tired, she'll wake up." more time passed, still sleeping. her breathing had changed so i filled the nebulizer with albuterol, held it up to her mouth, and let her just breathe it in. the nurse DID say that the nebulizer treatments would buy her more time and that the morphine would allow more oxygen to the brain. those things ran through my mind every time i made a move. dinner time came, still sleeping. panic was starting to set in, but if you know me at all, thats pretty normal. i'm such a worrier. we all cooked and talked, i was watching my Maga, silently begging her to hold on. we ate, cleaned up, sat down...still sleeping. i grabbed a chair and my crochet materials, planted myself next to her and crocheted a bit, talked with steph, called people...anything really to keep my mind off of what i knew was happening but couldn't quite admit to myself. around 11:45 pm I had moved to the floor next to her hospital bed, where i slept all weekend. i can't recall what was on the TV, for i was focused on the sound of her breathing, which had worsened. i stayed awake as long as i could...but i fell asleep.

i don't know what woke me up...the sound of her not breathing anymore, her spirit, the hum of the oxygen machine...but i woke up at 12:32 am on November 4, 2013. my eyes shot open, i looked at my phone, saw the time, shot up with the most insane amount of panic you could ever imagine feeling, to see a lifeless Maga. no breathing, no groaning, no moving. cold hands, blue lips, head tilted to the right. looking back with a rational mind, she looked peaceful...but in that moment, i was struck with guilt for falling asleep, for not being there to hold her sweet hand until her last breath. it was the most horrific moment of my life, to date. i touched her, panicked, screamed, and starting crying hysterically. thankfully, steph was calm and collective, she kept telling "she's not in pain, Kel. she's in a better place. she knows you love her, it's ok, calm down." but i couldn't. even now thinking about it, i cry uncontrollably.

the hospice nurse came in, removed the catheter, sat with us, talked to us, and waited for the funeral home director to come retrieve Maga and take her away.

i relive that weekend just about everyday. maybe i'm nuts, but i don't know how to stop it. i don't know when i'll be all the way ok. some days are better - i think about how funny she was, how strong she was, all of the good memories. others are terrible - i think about how i shouldn't have fallen asleep, i should have visited more, wrote her more emails, called her more often. i keep praying for forgiveness, praying for help to stop beating myself up...i haven't felt either yet.

i had to type it out, so that i could read it.  it took me about a month to write this. maybe that will help?

have a good day. cherish the ones you love. don't belittle their existence. don't take them for granted.

a new season

a few things happened in the very few hours that i've been alert and awake this morning: 1.) i decided i wanted to start blogging again; 2.) i thought about how trying that would be because i can barely remember to take my vitamins every morning; 3.) i told myself to shut the fuck up because i can do whatever i want; 4.) i discovered that although decaf coffee doesn't taste any different than regular to me, it doesn't wake me up as efficiently, if at all; 5.) i had some pretty tasty egg/cheese/hashbrown casserole but realized what kind of predicament i would be in around 9:30 am; and 6.) decided to start being a better me.

over the past (almost) three years i've done a lot of changing, searching, finding...but i've also stayed the same in that i cannot, for the life of me, shake bad feelings about myself.  more often than not i think about all of the negative in my life (which is not a lot, might i add) and i beat myself up about where i'm not at my age, as opposed to where i'm going - because thats all that really maters.  who likes a negative nancy?!?  not even me, which explains why i'm putting myself through hell about it all.  its literally a vicious cycle.  i think about how shitty things are when things don't go my way, then i realize that things are amazing and i need to man up, and then i start beating myself up about even thinking things were shitty in the first place.  well folks.  that stops now.  or at least i am going to start stopping...does that make sense?!

did mention that i read a blog this morning, as well?  it's the very thing that inspired me to come out of my blog drought and give you as much of my disorganized thoughts as possible.  my dear friend courtney texted (okay my computer is telling me that "texted" is not a word, but i think it is, because it is the past tense form of the verb "text" and i just went on way too long for something that didn't even need to be mentioned) me a link to a blog about a bear head yesterday.  it was.  AMAZING.  i laughed and smiled inside and out because it reminded me of myself when i'm at my best.  when i don't care what people think.  so i kept reading.  the last post i read is what inspired me the most.  there's just something about reading someone else's struggles (that really sounds depressing, but its not at all) that inspires me.  so instead of harping on what i've done wrong up to this point in my life, i'm going start looking at everything as a great experience.  after all, each one of those fuck-ups has brought me to where i am now and has made me who i am now.  as she put it - i'm going to start "celebrating my small victories and scratch out all the things that make me unable to see them without shame".  you should try it too...every day.  make a list of all the things you've done in a day, focus on the good, and scratch out the bad.

until next time....<3

falling off

when i say i "fell off", i don't mean in the worst way possible, so please don't sit back and think i've just gone back to eating meat and eating bon bons and cake and ice cream every day.  i still eat relatively healthy...i HAVE, however, indulged in a little more chocolate lately. WHATEVER IT'S MY TIME OF THE MONTH DON'T GIVE ME SHIT!  i have to live with the consequences, not you.  and believe me, its definitely weighing on me mentally.  i've been doing so well and i'm so disappointed in myself for being so below par with my diet and exercise habits these past 3 weeks.  i actually haven't gained any weight, which is a blessing...but i haven't lost any either, which is....well its not really a curse.  i guess its just mehhh.  i've got to step it up though.  so here is what i suggest when you fall off of your routine:

Water

drink tons and tons of water.  i started drinking those 101.4 oz bottles of Deer Park last week.  its so awesome, but it's also a little intimidating.  i've found, though, that i start kind of racing against my mind in drinking it.  the more water that disappears from the bottle, the more excited i get, and in turn i drink more and more until its all gone.  awesome.

Eat Tasty Healthy Food

if you have a Trader Joe's around you, take a trip one day and explore all they have to offer.  i found some Crispy Jeju Mandarin Orange Slices the other day....WHEW CHILD!!!  delicious!  and THEE WHOLE BAG is only 110 calories (SAY WHAT?!).  start putting more seasoning into the plain and mundane.  you'd be surprised at just how delicious something so boring can be.  for example, i've have grits every morning this week, but each day they've been seasoned differently.  monday, my boyfriend put scrambled tofu, green and red peppers, and carrots in them.  yesterday (tues.) he put imitation chicken bouillon (vegan) and  daiya vegan jack cheese.  and today he put garlic and basil in them.  to be honest i never thought about doing that...i usually eat my grits with earth balance and little bit of salt.  crazy that something i'm so used to being so boring can be so awesome!  

i also have been using bulgur wheat to sub for my tofu sometimes - i've been using it in my nacho salads lately, which is ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS!

step outside of your food comfort zone for once, i promise its worth it.

Surround Yourself with Positive People

i think we all know that when we surround ourselves with negative people we tend to be more negative.  i know that's a fact for me.  i lay on the couch, watch tv a lot more (i barely watch tv, i hate it actually, but that's a-whole-nother story), I EAT TERRIBLE.  it's like no matter what you do, when you are around someone that is unhappy or negative or just lazy, it rubs off on you.  get around happy people!  active people!  positive people!  you will be so motivated to do better when you are around people that are actively BEING BETTER.

Stick Yourself in Nature

i've found that when i'm in an exercise rut that nature kind of helps puts me back into my place.  take a long walk, feed the ducks, garden, pick flowers, or even JUST BREATHE IN SOME FRESH AIR.  being connected with nature is just so uplifting, it always motivates me to do and be better (because really, i KNOW better).

Purge

and no, i don't mean by PUKING, you freakazoid.  go through your home and chuck things that you just don't use anymore.  got a ton of clothes in your closet that you haven't worn in about a year?  GOODWILL!  i recently went through my closet and bagged up some clothes to take the to the goodwill, and it just feels so nice to get rid of things.  i'm so used to recycling my clothes year after year and just accessorizing with jewelry or jackets and cardigans...but when i cleaned out my closet and got rid of things that i don't use anymore i just felt so invigorated.

there are so many more things you can do, but you have to know yourself :)  you've got to know what strikes that spark in you.  GET TO IT!

growth

i'm currently in a Greek Mythology class, and i've been learning about heroes.  according to Joseph Campbell, the journey of hero includes removing him/herself from their comfort zone, encountering challenges/triumphs, and returning home wiser/stronger.

i don't know about anyone else, but i do that myself.  its a huge part of growth, in my opinion.  and it all ties into enjoying your own company, or at least learning to.  there are times when i just feel like i need to get away from everything and everyone and just be alone to ponder, explore, learn, grow, and mature.  and when i come back around i'm wiser, stronger, happier, and in a better state of mind.  its healthy, normal. 

but here is my question - why does everyone expect us to let them know when this is happening?  it's a very personal thing that happens when you grow mentally/spiritually.  not only are you building a better relationship with yourself, you are becoming more connected with LIFE; with God (or whatever higher being you believe in), nature, your surroundings.  i personally don't feel like i need to send a mass text to everyone that says "HEY GUYS, JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I'M GOING TO BE QUIET FOR HOWEVER LONG BECAUSE I HAVE SOME PERSONAL GROWTH TO DO."  it's really nobody's business, and we don't have to explain ourselves to anyone.

with all of that said, try to take a look at the people in your life in a different light.  everyone has their own issues to work out and get through.  stop asking questions, let them come to you if they want.  and by continuing to pry, you are pushing that person away from you.  SOMETIMES YOU JUST AREN'T NEEDED.

have a great day.  

this is a list of things that i like.

my boyfriend
hugs
love
kisses
back rubs
laughing
the smell of gain - except for that apple mango scent
coffee
hazelnut ANYTHING
green peppers
broccoli
cauliflower
yams
tazo passion tea - unsweetened always and forever
my redskins tervis cup
baron clay d'artagnan julius ravenclaw smith
ERMAHGERD
instagram
my camera - sebastian
my iphone
drawing
writing - when i feel like it
red solo cups
bright colors
pens
the girl brown bag from the dollar store with all of those awesome toys in it
paris
nags head
the beach - any beach
the stars
the moon
love
genuine people
jokes
pink highlighters
snow
the smell of fall
organizing
binders - but not the mitt romney kind
MYSELF
being on time - but that rarely happens
Christmas time - everyone is always so much nicer
yankee candles
clean sheets
freshly shaved legs
a good nail polish
frank sinatra
tattoos
MY BED
dolce & gabbana light blue - my scent
victoria's secret
gap jeans
toms
vans
post-it notes
my friends
sunrises
sunsets
my momma
documentaries
cooking
baking
running - just started with this, going alright for right now
food
losing weight
MOVING AT MY OWN PACE
the truth - EVEN IF IT SUCKS
the movie "Love Actually"
cooking with my family
my Maga
driving with no real destination
anything Apple
typing on a brand new keyboard - the keys sound so awesome
speaking in a british accent
germany
being good at my job
proving people wrong

trainer mike....not too shabby

so, after talking with a few friends, i decided to go to Trainer Mike to further my flabbiness reduction process.  i made the call (well, text...who calls anymore, right?  lol), and i'll tell you what, i was so afraid he was going to be a jerkoff.  i was scared he was going to run my ass into the ground, push me harder than i could handle, make me do exercises i hadn't ever heard of......to my surprise, it was all the opposite.  i walked into his gym, and he was working with a few other people, so he greeted me and told me to hold on while he finished up with them.  i thought that was nice, he didn't want to take his attention away from the people he was working with.  after he finished up, he had me sign a waiver (basically saying that if i get hurt under his supervision that i couldn't call the Mob and get them to come hurt him...or sue him lol).  i had told him earlier this week that i kind of wanted to work out alone - i get so nervous around people like that...i think its because i feel more vulnerable in my yoga pants and sports bra - so he made sure everyone else was out before we started (although, he did do this very subtly).  and he worked out with me the whole time.  made sure i understood what muscles were being worked, how the exercise would help my body, and he made sure i was doing the exercises correctly.  he danced around while i was taking my breathers, talked to me...just made me feel really comfortable.  it motivated me to push myself harder.  like, to the max.  and i didn't feel weird or awkward, and that made me want to work harder too.  it was just all around a great experience.

I'M BOUT TO BE CUTTTT UP!

accept what is :)

i just want to emphasize that normal people don't go around destroying other human beings. with that said, if someone is treating you like a bag of flaming dog shit, try your damnedest to not let it get to you.  don't take it personal.  it's not you, it's them.  this may sound crazy, but accept what is.  accept that they will be tortured by karma one day for all of this, not you.  accept that they have the issue, and you are just the receiver, that's IT.  and if you're lucky enough, the universe will bless you with being able to witness karma coming back and biting them in the ass.

when you start to tell yourself "accept what is", you'll start to notice you're more peaceful.  don't get me wrong, it's very difficult and it takes practice and patience, but start by doing it with every situation - work, traffic, when your kids defy you, when your roommate uses your deodorant (??? lol idk lemme alone), when your mom asks when you're going to give her grandbabies, when you get bad news, when you stub your toe, when your hair just won't work for you...ACCEPT WHAT IS.  i promise you will be happier, calmer, and more peaceful.

have a good monday, and accept what is :)